...Time does not heal,
It makes a half-stitched scar
That can be broken and again you feel
Grief as total as in its first hour.
-Elizabeth Jennings

"In a strange way, I had fallen in love with my depression. Dr.Sterling was right about that. I loved it because I thought it was all I had. I thought depression was the part of my character that made me worthwhile. I thought so little of myself, felt that I of had such scant offerings to give to the world, that the one thing that justified my existence at all was my agony. Taking a hypersensitive approach to life had come to seem so much more than pure and honest than joining the ranks of the numb masses who could let it all slide by. What I'd stopped realizing was that if you feel everything intensely, ultimately you feel nothing at all. Everything registers at the same decibel so that the death of a roach crawling across a Formica counter can seem as tragic as the death of your own father. The people on the outside - and that's the right word, because to a depressive everyone else is outside - who are selectively expending their emotional energy are actually a lot more honest than anyone who is depressed and has replaced all nuance with a constant, persistent droning despair." - Elizabeth Wurtzel.

Since you ask, most days I cannot remember.
I walk in my clothing, unmarked by that voyage.
Then the most unnameable lust returns.

Even then I have nothing against life.
I know well the grass blades you mention
the furniture you have placed under the sun.

But suicides have a special language.
Like carpenters they want to know which tools.
They never ask why build.

Twice I have so simply declared myself
have possessed the enemy, eaten the enemy,
have taken on his craft, his magic.

In this way, heavy and thoughtful,
warmer than oil or water,
I have rested, drooling at the mouth-hole.

I did not think of my body at needle point.
Even the cornea and the leftover urine were gone.
Suicides have already betrayed the body.

Still-born, they don't always die,
but dazzled, they can't forget a drug so sweet
that even children would look on and smile.

To thrust all that life under your tongue! --
that, all by itself, becomes a passion.
Death's a sad bone; bruised, you'd say,

and yet she waits for me, year and year,
to so delicately undo an old would,
to empty my breath from its bad prison.

Balanced there, suicides sometimes meet,
raging at the fruit, a pumped-up moon,
leaving the bread they mistook for a kiss,

leaving the page of a book carelessly open,
something unsaid, the phone off the hook
and the love, whatever it was, an infection.
- Anne Sexton

"The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling." - David Foster Wallace

"Jesus, I wondered, what do you do with pain so bad it has no redeeming value? It cannot even be alchemized into art, into words, into something you can chalk up to an interesting experience because the pain itself its intensity, is so great that it has woven itself into your system so deeply that there is no way to objectify it or push it outside or find its beauty within. That is the pain I'm feeling now. It's so bad, it's useless. The only lesson I will ever derive from this pain is how bad pain can be." - Elizabeth Wurtzel

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” - Neil Gaiman

Prozac Nation

"I found myself wishing for a real ailment, found myself longing to be a junkie or a cokehead or something- something real...Rescued. That's what it looked like to me. Drug addicts had the crutch of a tangible problem...Depression was the loneliest fucking thing on earth. There were no halfway houses for depressives, no Depression Anonymous meetings that I knew of. Yes, of course, there were mental hospitals...but I couldn't hope to end up in one of those places unless I made a suicide attempt serious enough to warrant oxygen or stitches or a stomach pump...I used to wish-to pray to god for the courage, and the strength-that I'd have the guts not to get better, but to slit my wrists and get a whole lot worse so that I could land in some mental ward, where real help might have been possible."
-Elizabeth Wurtzel

I am a neurotic perfectionist with unrealistic expectations.

I promised myself that I would try and write more. I have failed to do so. I don't exactly have the energy to do much of anything at this point. I was expecting the medicine to do something...not fix it entirely, but at least make it easier. It's only been a couple of weeks, so maybe there's still hope.

I am a horrible person.

When I'm afraid of hurting someone's feelings I lead them on and end up hurting them worse than it would have in the first place.

I fail at making people happy, so I give up.

So, I've had another burst of endorphins and I'm pretty goddamn happy right now. This is the happiest I've been in quite some time...nothings even happened to make me happy,lol. I was in the worst mood for so long and now I'm just...I don't know. I think it's because I'm actually around people and they're making plans with me. It's nice to have friends :] So far I have plans to go adventuring on playgrounds with room service, stephanie, and madalyn; then there is the fake prom thing we've been planning for a while; then there will be lots of hanging out with Hannah; and then a road trip back to Morgantown for Madalyn's orientation (I really like road trips :]) and that's all I can think of so far. More people have mentioned things, but no plans have been made. If anyone else wants to do stuff, don't hesitate to mention it.
I like doing stuff :]

Also, the song "Plowed" by Sponge is amazing.

I miss the 90's.

Toy story 2 was okay.

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose

I don't know who I am anymore...

whiny, annoying blog post.

So, I don't know if it's my thyroid making my hormones go all crazy, or if I'm just over analyzing things but I've been feeling pretty neglected lately. It's like certain people don't see me the same way anymore. Maybe Ive changed, or maybe other people have changed but I don't like it. I feel like I don't even know myself. Its scary how fast things are changing...and I cant do anything about it. This is usually the time I make horrible, irrational decisions so I'm trying my best to just sit through this and let it deal with itself, but it's almost painful. It's horrifying to feel like you have no control over your own life.

I spend entirely too much time thinking of things I do not want, things I try my best to avoid. So for once I will allow myself to think of the things I do want.

1. My dream house.
I'm not entirely sure what it looks like. But certain images come to mind that make me think 'this is what it will look like'.








2. A epic garden I can have fairy-tea parties with my kids in.






3. Babies, kittens, and puppies!






4.Goddess Dresses and stretched ears




5.True, ever-lasting, inseparable Love.

Visions of my summer...

So, it's been a while since I last posted.
and by that I mean a real post, not the notice to myself that my blog was private.

I have about two weeks of school left. I am saddened and excited by this. I'm quite happy because the Friday before the halls close I am being picked up by my mother who I haven't seen since christmas, and I am going home for the first time in...well, I really can't remember the last time I was home. Honestly, I am a bit homesick but I am not wanting to deal with my mom's boyfriend. It's actually the exact reason I haven't been home in so long. But, I will stay there for a while because my mom is so happy and excited about me coming back. She even sent me a card just to tell me how much she is looking forward to it. After a few weeks of mommy time and blood tests at the doctors appointment, I will be going back to my second home, Madalyn's house. I'm quite excited about this as well because I haven't had much time to just be around friends in a while. I'm also looking forwards to adventures with Sarah and Hannah and hopefully Stephanie. This year has made me realize that I need to be around people I love to remind me that my life is pretty amazing. The downside to this is that I probably wont be able to see Jeremiah too often this summer. But I guess since we made it through last summer, we can make it through this one. It will be incredibly depressing but I'll have my best friends with me to keep me thinking happy thoughts full of night picnics, dress ups, and long car rides :]

I hope this summer will be as wonderful as I'm thinking it up to be.

I had never understood the expression
about your heart being in your mouth
It beat there, choking me with blood
- Francesca Lia

Not sure what raptor Jesus has to do with zombie Jesus, but I know there has to be a connection...

Not much has happened since my last post. I've pretty much been busy with studying and doing homework. I should be doing some now actually, but I'd rather procrastinate and blog about pretty much nothing.
So, other than school work I have been reading this book (borrowed from Sarah :]) "Ghost Boy" by Lain Lawrence and it is pretty amazing. The first chance I got some free time, I sat down with it and read the first 15 chapters. It's pretty amazing so far. It's about a albino boy who decided to follow the traveling carnival so he can meet another albino. It's pretty emotional. I cried a few times and I'm not even that far into it.
This weekend was pretty odd. Apparently everyone on campus went home for Easter but me. I was literally the only girl on my floor. It was nice not having to listen to screams at 3 am or walking back from the bathroom to find a drunk girl in her panties lying in front of my door. So, everyone is back now and I'm not too happy about it. But I guess it's better than nothing...there are only a few weeks of school left and I'm not looking forward to it. I've gotten pretty used to Morgantown and I really don't want to leave. I'm definitely going to have to find a job this summer or I will most likely go insane.

Can you hear my heart?

This weekend was pretty nice for me. I spent it with Brittanni at her apartment, and we pretty much stayed up all night playing video games, ransacking Steven's room, eating taco bell and pizza, and laughing so hard her roommate beat on the walls to inform us she didn't care about our joyfulness.
Today I met with my math tutor and after an hour and a half I could actually do the problems they were currently doing in class. He's a pretty amazing teacher; he can point out exactly where I mess up and he usually knows what I was trying to do when I screwed it up,lol. I was pretty embarrassed because at first he had me adding and subtracting positive and negative numbers when the two guys also being tutored were doing formulas and going over their 90% test scores, but I'm so ecstatic that I learned how to do problems correctly that it doesn't even matter. I wish I would have gotten tutors a long time ago.
I really should be studying for my abnormal psych test, but I felt I needed to update my blog since I haven't in such a long time : / I promise I'll update more frequently, and with more pictures.



On another note, I've noticed that a lot of relationships are falling apart. It's not specifically anyone I know personally, more of a 'friend of a friend' type of thing, but it makes me really sad. I have noticed that relationships around me/involving me tend to begin in Autumn and break away in the Spring. I think this is why I love Autumn so much. Rather than things dying in Autumn and being re-born in the spring, it feels completely backwards for me.

love, I get so lost sometimes.

I want someone to stand outside my window and play "In your eyes" by Peter Gabriel.

:[

I'm in an odd sad/romantic mood and I'm feeling pretty alone tonight.

So, Spring Break was pretty amazing for me. I got to see Madalyn for the first time in forever, we spent a week at an amazing house babysitting some amazing kids, I got to see Roomservice and she, Madalyn and I played on a playground and had a night picnic :]

It went by way too fast :[ I have to go back to Morgantown today and I'm not looking forward to it. I haven't gotten much sleep and I need to write a paper. I was thinking it was due Wednesday (which, it kinda is) but I just got an e-mail from my teacher saying that a rough copy of the paper is due Monday for peer review. All I have of this paper is an outline. The revised rough draft is due Wednesday : /

So now I get to try and finish this paper on no sleep while I also attempt to find a ride back to school. I want more spring break :[